Walking the Word

Upon my arrival in Livingstone, I didn’t have a clue what to expect—all I could do is hope it would be good. Of course it would be; it’s from God isn’t it?? Chad was the first one I saw, then Phil, Sharon, Laura, Cairo, Patrick and a mass of people I don’t know that well… They were dropping off a rapper that flew in to do ministry in the city of Livingstone. It’s so easy to get intimidated around people you feel know so much more then you, bur what a folly; your good enough to be in their company—why be intimidated?? The drive back was a reminder that I’m with Overland in Africa over and over again. Tire busted to the Land Cruiser, so the girls all got out and had drinks at Livingstone’s more upper class restaurant: Rhapsody—There, I got the opportunity to meet the female Pastor of a thriving church in Livingstone, her ministry is televised on “TBN-Africa” on a regular basis. I got to talk with Sharon about my plans for the future, and about my situation with housing. Overland is having some issues with living space office wise; house wise is a whole other situation.
Coming to a big base, with people from all over the world, it’s easy to clam up and become a hermit; but in truth, that’s the last thing to do. I was tempted to go by my lonesome and read all night, but I would’ve missed the fruit of beginning relationships with all these wonderful people: AMT, leaders, fellow base volunteers, and the upcoming Life Project. Things are exciting—I’m going on to take on the Devil of laundry organization; it’s a major need on the base Sharon asked me about, I want to try to figure it out, but I don’t really know where to begin.
God, I still don’t know EXACTLY what I’m here for, but I’m confident that I am here for a reason, and that reason is your glory—whichever way it may be magnified. I pray that you would keep me humble and faithful, that you would keep this ministry thriving and that you would open some doors for me with AMT; I spoke with Dan Hoyme today and he seems like he really wants me on board; it’s a great possibility, so God I pray you’d really give me some favor in that area. Tomorrow I need to make a point to:
- Send mom those follow up letters with the list of follow ups and a list of what to do in specificity.

- Get at least one good Live Journal entry in
- Send out the first E-mail
- Get the numbers to
- BCC
- Get some good pictures taken
I can already tell there will be lots to do—Please help me to keep You, where you need to be; FIRST.

Good Night and Praise you for your faithfulness.

"The Way I Was Made"
Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life
Chris Tomlin-

Lord, I know that I’ve messed up on more then one occasion in the area of my academics; I need help… I feel like I can do it, but I just don’t know why I can’t. It doesn’t make much sense… But I really need help with this. I want to graduate on time; I want to graduate. You’ve never failed me, and I have no doubt you won’t now, but I’m so afraid I’m going to fail me. I’m willing to do anything to get this done—Put away my social life, lock myself in that room and get this done. Please just help me… I have a guidance appointment in 15 minutes that I can already predict: me pleading for the favor of the department and telling Pezzula the grouch that I’m going to do everything I can to get this done, and get it done now, her, tsking pathetically at me in doubt. I know people don’t always handle things the way they should, but ultimately it’s my fault if things don’t happen right. Other people are contributors, but I’m the conduit. Please help me with Pre-cal, this determines my graduation and my bright futures scholarship—both are huge deals, I know. I really want this to happen, and maybe if it takes a really hard kick in the butt from LHS guidance, then that’s what it takes… I just want to get this done. The good thing is that after this meeting I’ll have an exact date, a goal—Even if it means doing for assignments everyday, that’s good enough for me. I just want to be able to pick up my diploma after walking the stage on May 24th 2007. So my plans won’t be destroyed, so my family won’t hurt, so my mom won’t be disappointed, so you can have glory, and I can be free to do what you need me to do.

Paige made a valid statement in saying “There’s nothing in your life that’s staying the same at this time—it’s all changing from the school you go to, to the area you live in, to the people you communion, new jobs, to being in a relationship.” She’s right, she’s totally right. Nothing really is going to be the same in the next say 5 months… I’m okay with that.
Wisconsin… I got to visit Rew last week—it’s been so great. I miss him a lot, but I know he’s where he’s at for a reason, please just help me to operate in wisdom. I can’t deny that this is a serious relationship to me; I really care about him. Now, I can’t decide what I like more though, him or his family. They were so great, I love my family and I wouldn’t trade them for anything; but having them and his would truly be the best of both worlds.They’re very missions minded and supportive of what we’re doing/planning to do in the future (which not everyone we meet is). I got to see his college, and the friends he’s got there— I think I got along with them quite well. Perkins, his best friend and I clicked pretty well (or so I think), maybe that’s why we both like Andrew, cause we think the same way. I’m very excited to to see what’s going to become out of this; I don’t want to fall in love with Rew because of the he’s easy to fall in love with, I want to fall in love with him because I know he’s my partner in ministry, because we’re meant to be a unit. Till you, God tell me this, I can’t give my entire heart away… Hiding my heart in the heart of my Lord heart, until the man for me finds it their…

Dear God,
I pray that you’ll just help me to understand this course I’m taking online that I’ll finish with excellence and finish on time; my goal is by May 5th, 2007 to be completely finished. This is the only real ‘crunch’ that I have during this time—I’m so sick of Precalc I can almost pay someone to do the thing for me (although hat really wouldn’t do much good at all). If I come back for Wisconsin and work hard, I should have it done in like two weeks (that’s about two assignments per day). My graduation (and my scholarship[s]) absolutely depends on this. I’m not going to mess it up for myself, when I’m back from WI, this is my first priority over all other activities. I pray you’ll give me grace though. Mondays, Tuesdays, Wed, Fri, Sat, and Sunday ‘s I have no more commitments to anymore, so that leaves me with a lot of time to focus on the academics, work, straightening out the last few things for colleges and raising funds for Zambia. I still have about $2,000 dollars to go, I need to buy a Skype Headset, and headlamp before I depart for Africa and I need to sign my mom on the network and put some money in our accounts. My car is currently out of service, and I’m hoping to get the going again—I’m really praying that I can get this thing on the road soon, I think I need an alternator for it (and maybe an E.C.T. light too). I know all this stuff is coming through even now, because you’re amazing and you take care of ALL my needs.
With all that’s going on, you’ve really given me the peace that surpasses all understanding, I realize that it’s only when I try to figure out how I’m going to do things in my own strength that I begin to add unnecessary stress to myself; I begin to worry over things that aren’t even legitimate concerns. When I stay in your word and in constant communion with you and your love, everything else that’s going on sees so small in light of your glory, my path seems clearer and my love for people increases. It’s been hard not to allow my present concerns to precede the duty in being Christ to people who don’t have a relationship with Him—In fact I may be walking a fine line. Daily I must examine myself, my motives, and you’re plan.

Dear God,
It’s been very hard to stay focused lately… I don’t want to get off the ‘narrow’, I don’t want to stop trusting in you. There’s so much to do and so little or a lifetime to do it. Less then 30 more school days left until graduation. I still have $3000+ more to raise for the two month mission to Africa. These upcoming weeks I plan on doing ‘car wash’ after car wash repeatedly; also calling the last of the churches; and I’m also praying about conducting an ‘open house’ just before graduation to share the vision with acquaintances and supporters before I go. I do need to begin raising monthly support from Africa on out, I didn’t plan on doing an ‘internship’ with Overland Missions, but it seems like that’s exactly what I’m working my way into. That’s okay; Lord if that’s what you want you’ll provide all the time, energy, and money I need. I know it’s all possible if I just stay disciplined and inspired.
I still need to get EVERYTHING straight with B.C.C. I don’t want to return back to the states with the bad news of ‘All the classes filled up’, or ‘You missed the mandatory orientation’; you know all that ‘red tape’ stuff that looks okay from afar off, but once you come up on it, it’s a pain in the rear. I got news that I am eligible for Bright Futures Medallion Scholarship, thank you Lord, I pray that all works out right. I’m also still finishing up PreCalc online, I really need to make it out of that class with a ‘B’ average or higher. Sadly, that’s the most intimidating task of all of them… Help me to get this thing done and over with. Also, coming u is the English 4 AP Exams; I know it’s all going to go quite well.
A lot have my time has also been in investing into a very important ‘friendship’ I’ve developed over this past year… He’s turned from just another person on the team to a very cared about part of my heart. I know that thing’s can get confusing really quick if I let them, and I don’t want that to happen—Please just help both of us to go about things in patience, wisdom, and good counsel. I really just want to be an encouragement and a blessing to him. I pray that you’d just bless it and keep both of us right in the palm of your hand—even it that would mean we can’t be together. Your will is a lot more important to both of us then ours. Help me to just stay focused on why I’m here in ‘352’, right now, and him to stay focused on why he’s where he as (rather far proximity).
Ultimately, I’m not sure what to expect after the May 25th, everything’s all going to change, and fast—I’m really not sure what you’re getting me into, but if you’re in the middle of it—I want to be in the middle of it too. If the only reason I’m in Africa is to wash clothes and be alone with you, then even that would be worth it, because I know it would grow me. But you know what I want to do—what’s really on my heart—I want to go out into the bush, and I want to learn everything I can learn, possibly sneak in on the ‘Advanced Missions Training’ classes. Please just keep your hand on me, and keep my path straight and narrow. Only then, will I remain in Your Joy.
Daughter of a King, Amethyst

Dear God,
Magnification not only brings to light how big You are… It brings to light how small I really am. I feel like so much has been unveiled in so many ways, so many words, so much direction… It’s never been so difficult to walk it before though. It’s like I don’t want to do anything. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid things won’t go as planned—because I lack discipline—because I’ve got too much on my plate… I don’t really know. But this spirit of procrastination is over me heavily, and I want it to break off now. I will not let laziness and frivolity get in the way of the kingdom. God, I admit I cannot do anything without you, I can’t go anywhere without you. I give you all my life, over and over again each day…
Guard me, and guide me in all your ways. I need you now, and forever more.
I love you, and no matter who’s in my life at the time, You’re still my first love and the one and only prince of my heart…
I want to be all I can be for you, and I want to be all I can be for him … And I want them won for you, disciplined for you, sent out for you.
I love you Lord and I worship you,
Amethyst

Dear God,
I know that I’m walking in your will, but it truly is a narrow (and difficult) road. It’s when I reach the end of myself when faith begins; the end is near if not here. $5,000 for Africa is a lot of money, but this in itself is a test from you; I said that money will not be an issue for me, and I refuse to let it be—I will not let this number throw m away from your call. February is approaching quickly, and time is running short for me by my plane tickets; I know you will make away—even if I don’t see that way right now. I’m going to be doing a lot of prayer and fasting in these upcoming months; give my grace for my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak… God I pray that these funds would come forth supernaturally from your glorious abundance, I trust you and I trust that you know what your doing—please just help me to do my part in having faith and in obeying and doing. I am not in a comfortable position financially; my phone bill is calling to my empty bank account, my mom needs money for the insurance agency, and I’m about to sell my car (even though I don’t see any deals for buying another one). I refuse to forget my tithe in all this and I’m praying about GFA. What should I do Lord? You have taken me to the rampart Lord and I’ve seen what you said to me, but now it’s time to jump off, the fall is long and unsure; but if I place my assurance in you—you will never fail me. I offer these things to you, they’re not worries; only requests because I know it’s all in your hands …
Lindsey said it right when she said it “Satan is on the prowl right now, and he’s angry.” Today I saw one of my best friends and brothers in the faith take a hard nose-dive to the grave he’s been digging for himself lately. I understand hurt, and I understand pain and pruning toward those closest to me (and even myself), but nothing colder can grab my heart then to see the fall of a beloved. I’ve realized the longer I stay running this race, the more fallen soldiers I will be sure to see. Today I saw one dear brother in the faith shoot himself in the foot way too many times to count, I don’t know what to say or to do about it, but all I know I can do is pray. God, please do something in his heart change this lie the enemy has instilled in his heart. Along with that I pray for Melanie, her car has given her a mass of mechanical problems already, bring her peace and guidance in her hard times instruct her in the way she should go, and comfort her in her times of loneliness. I pray that her, Cheri, and Candice would receive an over abundance in the funds they should raise for Swaziland. I know that we are all a work in progress and we need to constantly build each other up in the faith. Aside from my own issues I find it an atrocity to worry when I see such things going on about me.
Lastly Andrew … I pray that you’d keep me wise, and keep my heart pure and guarded… Don’t let me become deceived with feelings, or caught up in emotion, but keep me on the narrow. All these things I pray for him just as well. I know like I said before we are both a work in progress and right now I desire more then anything to be a blessing and an encouragement to him—not a stumbling block. Lord, I pray if there is anything that’s not from you, reveal it and make it known. Keep both of us on your direct our paths and guide him into being that man of God you want him to be. Whether he’s meant for me or someone else I pray he’d one day be a blessing to his family and a blessing to the nations…
Tonight will be a long night, as I’ve got ‘perspectives’ homework and mounds of ‘Precalc’ homework, season my studies and season my sleep… In Jesus name, AMEN.

Today I saw myself in boat, with a group of other believers—some I did know, some I did not … We were paddling down and along a stream (or maybe a lake) of clear blue water, it was so beautiful—While we were paddling to our dismay it was getting harder and harder to paddle, and we heard noised we did not at first recognize but in just a short amount of time the noise became stentorian. My gaze was so intently fixed upon paddling to town that I hadn’t even realized what was producing such loud noise. In fact it wasn’t until the sudden immense loss of water (which began affecting our paddling) that we realized only yards away from us was an enormous blue (as the water was) funnel; a tornado sucking up the water. When the group in our boat finally got wind of that, each one of us (every person running for his own) jumped out of the boat into the now shallow water and began running against the pressure of wind and water … Running to the city, I remember thinking about what would happen if I fell behind, and wondering if there was anyone else who already has, I remember feeling the familiar feeling of knowing that you I and all of us could be next if the tornado took just one good jump in our direction (where it was already moving).
Upon making it to the shore I recall the color gray being prominent in the little fisher town. I remember running into what looked like a fortified hotel to find help and to find shelter; where ever everyone was; they had to be in the safest place they knew to be. I remember looking for good sturdy walls to hide against, and considering what was above me (And if it could cause severe damage had it fallen on me). Just has I was hopelessly finding the best place I could find, a middle aged woman grabbed my hand and began running me outside. “This is ludicrous outside”, you don’t hang around outside for these things—She brought me to a 4x4 truck full of people (some being people I ran off the boat with). I constantly thought as we loaded up to go. ‘We have no time, hurry up, hurry up’ watching the funnel move toward us what the most unexplainable things… I felt assured that this wasn’t the end, but everything around me screamed it was ….
To my immediate surprise the 4x4 truck took us not to shelter, but to huge open land, where there were nothing but out large group of people and a few pavilions with picnic table under them. It was then that I saw the tornado I had run from engulf the entire town up. There would have been no way for me to make it… I also noticed other tornados, and they were all coming our way, like if they were coming just for us. I remember telling the middle aged lady; what are we going to do, why don’t we hide? She told me we didn’t need to, stand there and watch because if there was nothing around for the the funnel to pick up, then there would be nothing around for the funnel to throw at me. This didn’t make much sense to me… So I did, with much anticipation I saw the diminishing funnels work there way to our open field where they stopped throwing items, or picking them up. When the first funnel approached the middle aged woman, she lifted her palm to heaven and when the force it, the tornado disappeared …. In seeing this I offered up my palm to the next tornado—I saw it diminish in the palm of my hand. It wasn’t long before the funnels were completely gone. I then called my mom to get answer and see if she was okay…
Then I woke up….

Wireless is officially back in the house—Hallelujah! Ethan (my amazing, yet intimidating brother) bought the Linksystem router this time so hopefully life won’t be harder for me (the only individual in that house with a laptop). You know something, my family has it’s quirks but each person is truly a saint, in there own way… I’m blessed to live with spirit-filled believers (minus one spirit filled)…
I’m back on the Master Cleanse, this time with a goal of going down to about 120-125. I’m going to be paying a lot of money for professional pictures soon, and I might as well look as amazing as I can look in them. The thought the year of my graduation has finally approached is exciting to me—OYM planned on having a Prom Alternative this year (on a Cruise Ship), I really praying that all goes through, and that I have the date I’d like t have with me there… But that’s the least of my worries at the time… I’m selling my car; I’m really praying this sell goes through soon… I don’t like the anticipation of what buying a new car has to bring. Once the Sable is sold I’ll be able to slip in and out of all the madness, and have another car… But just driving around with the sign annoys me. I pray that this thing will sell very soon. So much is going on at the time and once that’s done and over with, I’ll be able to give my attention to more worthy things. God either way, aside from my wants; let your will be done.
Another thing I’m wholeheartedly seeking your wisdom about is what to do this summer; I’m going to Africa… I pray that you would guide my steps according to your will in my adventure of raising funds (this year I have to raise more then I’ve ever had to before). I won’t be able to get started until I speak with the church about holding an account for my funding. (seeing as they’re a non-profit organization)… Car Washes, church speaking, guitar playing, begging for money—I’ve got a lot of it to do.
God, I can’t say I know exactly what I’m doing. … But I do have a plan, and I pray you would direct my path…

It’s my dad’s birthday today … About three months ago at a Thursday night prayer meeting I wrote down my only request to God … “I just want to know I’m going the right way”. Since the conference I have been reassured again and again that I am going the right; that I am hearing from you. So much is going on right now, and will be going on, I just don’t want to fall flat on my face, but the only thing that can make me susceptible to that is a pride spirit…. Many doors have been opened, but there’s more I have to push open, and the pace doesn’t go slower from here.

It’s incredibly late here. (Or should I say early?) Second day at conference sure has brought things up notch or two … All my prayers about housing, about this summer; about plans falling together; all of them seem to be coming, and along with that so is the clarity only a day ago I was so much desiring … I know there’s a lot more to it then only that. Nothing’s for sure, nothing’s set in stone. I got a chance to really speak with Dan; he’s been really urging me to do ‘Advanced Mission Training’ this upcoming summer, I on the other hand… desire to go to Angola. I knew I’d spend most of my summer in Africa this during ’07, but now that I’m really kind of seeing how this may work… It’s going to take your incredible favor and my incredible zeal to pull this off. AMT is a new discipleship program Overland Missions is launching in order to equip the upcoming missionaries in the spiritual side of missions as well as the practical. Cost is a lot of money (to me), but I know if you really want me there Lord, you’ll get me there. But I don’t have much time to screw around, my first priority is being obedient to you, and I don’t really know if I’m supposed to go to this… In speaking to Dave (for the brief period of time I spoke with him), he told me that the Angola team may be leaving in early August, if that’s the case I’d be cutting it very close between school and everything… I’m not worried, because it’s all in Your hand God… But I’m just bringing it to you in prayer…
I also received a rema word from the Lord today. It was from one of the speakers at the conference: Jeff; a long-term missionary in Brazil:
He began laughing when he laid his hands on me (similar to PO, when he laid his hands on me 4 years ago), the word was that with my obedience God will take me to high grounds, he mentioned mountains, and then he said that mobilization will never be a problem for me, he then said ‘higher grounds’ again, he went on to mention wings for the air… Then he said that there would be a new strategy birthed in the mobilization of the gospel, he mentioned from one place it is now possible to speak to all nations at once… He also mentioned compassion, and how it will be what leads me to all of the above.
What this all means I don’t pretend to know, but I feel very strongly that ‘wings for the air’ may have been specific confirmation of my desire to pilot. I have a few ideas of what is what in this, but I am shelving it, and I know the time will be come when it is entirely clear. At this point I feel like today was the beginning of God’s stamp of approval over my plans… Kind of like him saying ‘you’re on the right track, keep on going’…

It’s the beginning of the conference … I don’t really know what’s to come, but I do know I need some clarity and I’m believing that’s what I’ll get while I’m here. I talked to Dave tonight about the Angola trip, and he seemed glad that I’d want to go… Policy was going to be only those people in AMT would be able to go—He mentioned he could make an exception though… God, I know that you’re going to work all this out and I have faith that all these things will work together if only I just keep my eyes on you … Please God, give me some clarity—I just want to walk in your will. Open some doors, for college, for overland, for everything. Every time I get with these people I’m reminded that I’m not supposed to be at Calvary for much longer… Sometimes I’m afraid that I’ll be lost between the cracks, not get the right connections, and not be ‘savvy’ enough…. But I know that you don’t call the qualified, you qualify the called. I’m so satisfied in who you are, and I’m so satisfied in who I am; in you. I know when I go home I can’t afford to do anything else but work hard, plan, save, and stay disciplined… Here I’m retreating to rewrite vision, to figure out where I’m going and how I’m going to go about doing it… that’s why I’m here… To hear your voice into my life, and to heed upon your words; what better place to do this but at a missions conference with the organization that carries the same vision I want to run with.

Tomorrow’s an early morning; running with Melanie; season my sleep…

Today, I’ve been just floating … dreaming in many ways, while still doing the practical... What is there to hold in the future? And how can I keep myself from tampering with it too early on? Truly, I need wisdom from on high and the spiritual disciplines. How many times have I myself been like Abraham and Sara whom tried to help the Lord and in doing so put His plans in a box… How many times… God, I will delight myself in the worship of your holiness; and I know the desires of my heart are being fulfilled even now. The vision is here; its tarry should not cause me to stumble—but to stand. So many fear the thought of ‘standing alone’, but in truth; times in standing alone as a woman of God are probably the most fulfilling and rewarding; More then the finest items and the most precious relationships. Hard said, but my God is near the brokenhearted and he’s there to love me back…always. To find the one whom I can be confident in; can put my entire dependence on is the most freeing thing for me or any other woman to do, because this dismisses the need to need. Knowing the king will result in favor with him, and not only will he give you all that you desire, but he’ll heed to your dreams; because he cares about you… When I say ‘know’, I mean intimately … fully unveiled and vulnerable to him… I know him and he knows me…
This internal change is what needs to take place… For God works with the spiritual (greater) reality before he tends to the physical reality, hence why he changes the heart of man before the man can choose to change his own life… I need to know my king before I can know anyone else…
…This is all that matters pertaining to that which I’ve been dreaming about.

Seems like I’m getting a lot of minor tests thrown at me, people, and situations things like that… By grace I think I’ve passed them all. The ‘Youth Leader’ party I didn’t want to really be a part of to begin with stuff like that… It’s funny how when you do the opposite of what the flesh does in the hottest times of temptation, it blesses your spirit up so much. I just found out that BCC doesn’t have on campus housing; this leaves me with the question of … Where am I supposed to live? I’m really confident that this is all going to happen; falling into place… I’m praying so hard that this time I spend in Cocoa will bring about more clarity; for everything.
Yesterday, I had the privilege of seeing Meghan and Carl (two of our home church missionaries, and two personal inspirations to me), they spoke about Bulembu Ministries... Carl brought a forth a timely word… It really hit me hard—

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 2 For by it the elders obtained a good testimony 3 By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible .... (This goes on to name the servants whom have overcame by faith their circumstances) .... Hebrews 11:35 Women received their dead raised to life again.
Others were tortured, not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. 36 Still others had trial of mockings and scourgings, yes, and of chains and imprisonment. 37 They were stoned, they were sawn in two, were tempted, were slain with the sword. They wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, tormented— 38 of whom the world was not worthy. They wandered in deserts and mountains, in dens and caves of the earth.
39 And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, 40 God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us.

Pertaining to the “others” in that particular scripture—if those were modern day people, and they walked up to me… What would I do? What would my attitude be toward them?

American Christianity would almost have us convinced they had to have done something wrong, they had to have missed the boat somewhere… Why? Because that’s not what our portrait of Christianity looks like. What happens when the expectations of my vision, fail drastically? What will I do? I’m convinced that I should never find my victory, or my peace in the dreams, gifts, talents, or callings God has for my life, but be satisfied in Jesus Christ alone. Only when I get that into my spirit, will all these follow…
If I find my satisfaction in Christ, that’s a way of expressing true love to Him … If I love him, then I’ll feed his sheep… Luke 22:54

Things are going okay … being tested though and I know it. Last night, I got an encouraging word from Rob. Today, I got crushed, or at least it felt like it. You know that feeling of being misunderstood… unappreciated… that’s how I feel. This is so ridiculous though, what do I want then? When too many people know me, I get uncomfortable because I feel like a big fish in a small pond… But when people don’t seem to care I can’t say it doesn’t upset me either… What do I want?
I know the answer to my own question; I want to be taken seriously, and I want to be respected … but I guess those were rights I gave up when I decided to work in the ministry. When people know me all too well, it sets me up for a pride fall, but when people make me feel the way I feel tonight, I guess it just gets me closer to the heart of God… Stupid things like what I’m not going to talk about shouldn’t bother me the way they did today. I see a lot of things in different people, things they do (or don’t do for that matter), but I guess I should take the mental finger I find myself pointing at them and turn it right back on myself … I already know they see just as many faults in me too. That’s part of what makes us family, right? But then I raise the question ‘should family have such a fickle way of acting out love for one another?’ The answer is no, but does anyone except God himself know all the answers. Truly we are imperfect set out to do the will of a perfect plan. Still this leads me to believe why I want no part in the society I live in: The most expensive society in the world that has the cheapest relational values in the entire world. Talk is cheap; especially the kind that floats under the steeples every Sunday. I’m so sick of ‘Hi, how are you doing?”, “good”… It’s so surface, and so artificial; when will we wake up and stop playing ‘church’ with each other, and really love. God’s been pounding love and humility into the vision of the advanced discipleship group I’m currently in… Teaching after teaching, and the older I get the more I see this surface way Christians approach each other (and as a result how they probably approach God). ‘How are you’ doesn’t really mean ‘what’s going on in your life’, it means I want to be surface with you and act like I care, but I really don’t expect you to tell me your life. ‘Good’ means this is the answer I should use to admonish the superficial greeting I just got in the name of ‘love’. It’s really easy to see how much people care when it requires discomfort on their part… God forbid we miss ‘Survivor’ or extra sleep on account of a ‘long’ phone call from someone who can’t do anything for us. Everything is so rigged here in America; listening is an inconvenience these days. We have dishwashers, microwaves, laundry machines, and dryers, all these time savors, but yet we still don’t have the time to listen to what a brother or sister in Christ has to say, especially if it coincides the narrow-minded ‘religious’ way of thinking. How little chance the Holy Ghost has nowadays, the churches have so bound him in red tape that they practically ask Him to sit in a corner while they do the work themselves….
All these things I say unto you I say unto me first. I find the very fact that I dwelt on the series of events that happened tonight (so long) as a clear act of a pride. My flesh likes to point out all the screwed up things people do… God deserves all the credit for making foolish people (like me and you) such a big part of a big plan. He alone is worthy, and therefore He alone has the right to point a finger and even when he was among us… He chose not to …

Dear God,
I’ve got to take this Algebra 2 final eventually; but not today… My eyes are too tired to focus long enough… After that final I get the opportunity to dive into Pre-Calc (all over again) online. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to speed through this, of course this is going to require the discipline I so greatly lack in the area of mathematics. Along with that after new years I’m beginning AP English (Yay! Mr. Buettner’s amazing!), and TA 3, both weighted and both fun, I will continue in CDE 3rd and 4th block, and continue working 12-6 five days a week. Along with that I’m starting a course called “Perspectives” in early January; it’s kind of expensive, I just hope it’s worth it. It’s a discipleship course that also offers college credits (not that I’m taking it JUST for the credits). I really want to dive into the word more and I thought this would help out. I know there’s quite a difference in how an evangelical would see the word as opposed to a charismatic… I’ve considered that a lot, but I think it’ll still be good for me. Along with the new year comes the ‘savings’ factor; I did a really good job w/ it up until I got my car—since then I haven’t been very good with saving. With the summer trips, and college coming up I’m really going to buckle down with saving; no more eating out, and if it’s not going tithing, bills, or missions; it’s going to savings. 
Tonight I was just worshipping in the sanctuary for close to an hour, alone in the dark. My piano has been in Tampa getting repaired. That’s really put a damper on life altogether since it’s been gone. I’ve lost up to $60 dollars every week, because I had to halt lessons, and I haven’t been able to serve on the worship team; and when I get into dream land all I have is a guitar that’s wrapped in a box under the Christmas tree; of course that does me zero good. I’m going to appreciate having it home whenever I get it back; I’m praying I get it before Christmas… I really miss it. It was so freeing to just let it all out in the dark big room… I loved it. There are many ‘amazing’ singers in the world today, but it in truth, the question isn’t ‘Can you sing?’ because almost anyone can. The question is ‘Do you have a song to sing?’ the answer to that is evident in the empty words I hear in the hallways of my school, and echoing through the TV. It’s the sound of man worshipping man. What a meaningless way to use a gift.
I’m going to get into the sword, and do some warfare … God you are good…
…. Willing daughter <>

Only a few more days till Christmas … I haven’t been reading as much as I normally do, but I’ve been praying a lot, and thinking a lot… Tossing around the idea of uprooting myself completely from the Climb, and getting a new job and everything…. But after a lot of prayer I just don’t have enough peace about that. The youth leader meeting is coming up this Sunday; I have Alicia as my youth leader—it’s kind of funny that she’s my youth leader, seeing that where pretty much the same age… Not that I’m griping about it, Alicia’s easy to bless because her and I are a lot alike, so it wouldn’t be difficult to put something together she’d enjoy… She really is a cool person, I just wish her and I had more time to get to know each other. I remember when we first talked; we totally clicked. I just pray that you continue to grow her; she’s got a real heart for missions… But she’s in the veterinary business—I’m not sure how that works.
You know something, there are quite a few people going through a hard season of pruning in their lives… I just want to be able to bless them, but the only way I can really do anything is just encourage them (whenever I see them) and just cover them with prayer. I think about where I was just a little over one year ago, and I wonder… When will it be my season again? I really feel that next time, it’s going to be more of an internal process, and a silent process next time you bring me through a cold winter, but when is it coming? Is it different from the last one? How will it be? What will be my next circumstance? Will it have anything to do with my circumstances? These are rhetorical questions, and I don’t demand answers at all… But I do wonder. It’s too easy to be comfortable, and become apathetic. I pray that I would not be led into the temptation of pride and deceptive thinking, keep me teachable and moldable. Dry clay is of no use to a potter …
My pattern of thinking is so different, and it’s almost scary … I want to walk in Your will. So in many ways I must guard my thought life. There are many issues I feel like you’ve given me more of a release toward—an absolute directional shift is coming forth. I must stay in constant prayer and sensitivity to your spirit, so I don’t do anything stupid. (Like apply for the University of Manoa).
Something crazy to think about is also—Candice. She’s changed so much, her social skills have taken a 90 degree rise, and she’s really stepped into that ‘leadership’ position. I’m very proud of her… Although it is weird, because she’s become a real stranger to me; I hardly perceive her as a ‘friend’ at all, let alone a best friend. The change is good. Friendship isn’t something I hold onto tightly, anyway. Hmm, that sounds kind of funny to say… Let’s put it this way, it’s awesome to see people walk in what they so greatly deserve. I just pray you’d protect her from this ‘comfortable’ way of life… Don’t ever let her get too comfortable where she’s at…
I’ve also been praying a lot for Andrew, as he’s been raising the funds for the ‘Urbana’ project. Just bless him in that, and I pray that he’d be blessed when he goes to the conference, and that he would be the result of a whole new team of laborers for Overland Missions. Qualify him, and qualify him greatly…

Walking out of the offices today I heard Annie say “Good luck searching for a husband, Amethyst!” after I had told them about a new friend I’ve been talking to more often then usual. “I’m not looking for a husband, I’m just having fun,” was my response… You know something, I’m so confident that he’s out there I’m really not looking for him as intricately as some may think… Sure there are some guy’s that are ‘contenders’, but honestly It’s just all in your hands. A woman knows how to guard her heart, and that’s part of what separates her from girlhood to womanhood. So God you know me better then I know myself, so once again I just ask that you’d examine my heart. Am I being foolish? A fool is marked by its actions, but every action begins with a foolish thought… Considering I don’t want to get married right away (unless it’s your will otherwise), I think now is a great time to develop God centered friendships; be an encouragement to my brothers in Christ, not a stumbling block. Manhood in every culture is shaped by a variety of forces. But in every culture, one of the dominant forces that determine the quality of its masculinity is the quality of its femininity. A woman that appreciates manhood is an instrument God will use to shape manhood… So God just watch over me, and the relationships I have. I ask that you would shape the man you have for me even now, whether I know him now or not is a miniscule detail in the big plan you have for both of us in the future…